Some people are fans of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. This 2025 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.
Your team: DOINK!
Your 2024 record: 10-7. Pride of the NFC South for the fourth straight year. What an honor. It’s like winning a prison raffle. Thankfully, the Bucs didn’t accomplish anything after that title, otherwise we would have had to pay attention to the Tampa area for far longer than board-certified psychologists recommend.
I’ll get to how these Bucs blew it in the Wild Card round in just a moment. First though, I must recap a handful of regular season disgraces. They’re not easy to find, given that the Bucs started out 2024 on a 3-1 run, notching wins against Washington, Detroit, and Philadelphia all in that timespan. But HUZZAH! A 1-5 slump would immediately follow. Bo Nix scored the first victory of his NFL career against them in a loss to Denver. The Bucs were also somehow swept by Atlanta, with a one-legged Kirk Cousins throwing for over 500 yards against them, including this 45-yard walkoff TD to Khadarel Hodge in overtime, in the first loss. The second loss to Atlanta included two long TD catches from Kyle Pitts. Kyle Pitts! You could swap out your secondary with a velvet rope and Kyle Pitts still couldn’t beat it. What in the ever living fuck.
The Bucs also gave up five passing TDs to Lamar Jackson in a loss to Baltimore, got walked off in overtime by Kareem Hunt and the Chiefs, had a four-game win streak snapped by Cooper Rush, and were walked off in overtime a THIRD time by San Francisco kicker Jake Moody, who had missed three field goals that same game. Looking to redeem yourself in thrilling fashion? These Bucs were the opponent for you!
Which brings us to the doinkage. The Bucs enter the playoffs as a three seed. All they need to do is beat Washington at home to advance and play an Eagles team that they’ve already beaten in the regular season. It’s getting late in the fourth quarter and the Bucs are behind 20-17. But their offense is driving. They make it into the red zone thanks to a nine-yard run on first down from RB Bucky Irving. On second down, they run a QB draw off an RPO that gets stoned. On third down, Irving gets stoned up the middle. So now it’s fourth down. They’ve got the crowd on their side, and they’re finally moving the ball well on offense. They have to go for it. This is the 2025 NFL. We’re not playing Martyball anymore, and Phil Simms is dead (I hope). Hence, no respectable NFL concern settles for a dipshit field goal in this spot.
The Bucs settled for a dipshit field goal. They would never get the ball back, and the legend of Jayden Daniels commenced in earnest. Who made that call? Who’s the Jurassic prick who thought settling for the tie was a good idea?
Your coach: AHHHHHHHHH. Right.
That’s Todd Bowles. I’d call Todd Bowles the Kirk Cousins of coaches, except that he just lost to Kirk Cousins twice last year. It’s funny that Bowles calls more blitzes than just about any other coach in the universe, but then instantly reverts to the Prevent Mindset anytime he comes within spitting distance of an important victory.
This is why Bucs fans, all 13 of them, will tear your fucking head off if you dare to call Bowles a good head coach. He wins a lot of games, gets the most out of his players, and hires good assistants. There are a great many head coaches in this league who tick none of those boxes. Todd Bowles does, which makes him better than the Brian Dabolls of the universe. But when your team just got got by a rookie QB at home in the playoffs, fans don’t wanna hear that shit. Fans want Todd Bowles shot out of a cannon. Can’t argue with them there. Maybe Todd Bowles will grow as a coach and pull an Andy Reid down the line. And maybe one day I’ll learn how shit gunpowder.
Your new offensive coordinator is the winningly named Josh Grizzard, who hopes to follow the two OCs before him in parlaying this gig into a head job with one of the other South franchises. It’s kind of like a pipeline, if that pipeline were filled with nothing but diarrhea and spider eggs.
Your quarterback: Little engine that could Baker Mayfield, who posted an insane 4,500 yards and 41 TD passes a season ago. Did those numbers end up meaning anything come playoff time? Sure didn’t! No, the Bucs would rack up a piddly shit 284 yards in that loss to the Commanders. My man will never wash the Cleveland stink off of him, and even Bucs fans know it. You’re not winning jack shit with Baker Mayfield. Who ever has? Every Wild Card contender this coming season will pray to God that they get matched up against Vanity Smurf here in the first round. They ain’t scared.
Behind Mayfield is Teddy Bridgewater, who just un-retired from the NFL after he got caught cheating as a high school football coach. I didn’t even know cheating was illegal at the high school level. I figured you could just build a Bishop Sycamore anywhere you liked. I guess Teddy knows the landscape of high school ball about as well as he knows how to keep his knee intact.
Your QB3 is Kyle Trask, who’ll never happen.
What’s new that sucks: All Pro LT Tristan Wirfs will miss the start of the season after having his knee scoped a month ago. But, seeing as how the Bucs are quite content to only rule over their little fiefdom in the NFC South, that’s hardly discouraging news. If they were an actual Super Bowl contender, maybe I’d worry. But they aren’t, so I won’t. Let’s move on.
All of Tampa Bay’s roster churn this offseason was inoffensive in nature. They lost a couple of depth O-linemen, plus fading LBs Shaq Barrett and Joe Tryon-Shoyinka. But otherwise, you’re getting the same extra value meal you got a year ago. Maybe new arrival Haason Reddick will give the pass rush some extra juice, or maybe he’ll be the same flaky weirdo he’s been for the past year and change. I’m just as likely to see this man yelling into his phone camera from the driver’s seat as I am to see him pressure a quarterback.
Back in April, GM Jason Licht—apparently respected leaguewide for his groundbreaking “No Douchebags” draft board policy—reached for OSU WR Emeka Egbuka in the first round, then grabbed CB Benjamin Morrison in the second. Morrison missed the entire second half of the 2024 college season due to corrective surgery he needed on his hip. Apparently, Morrison has had growth plate issues in both hips since birth. For some GMs, that would be a red flag. For Licht, it’s a steal. I’m surprised he didn’t draft Kyren Lacy three rounds later.
What has always sucked: The owners have been checked out for years. The fans are red-bellied ammo-holics who have AI art framed in their homes and list Joe Rogan as their primary care physician. The city is ugly and the food is worse. The best QB is this franchise’s history wasn’t even their QB. He’s also a wooden dork who makes Bill Belichick look like the most charming man who ever lived. Everyone loves Bucky Irving, which means that his ACL will say NO four weeks into the season.
Also, Hulk Hogan is now dead. Hulk Hogan, I’d piss on your grave, but you probably spent the bulk of your adulthood begging people for clean urine. So why give your bloated, veiny corpse the satisfaction? Instead, I think I’ll team up with a billionaire vampire to sue your kids into poverty. You no-talent piece of shit. Fuck you, fuck your training, fuck saying your prayers, and fuck eating your vitamins. I wish that’d been you up there in the rafters instead of Owen Hart.
What might not suck: With Mike Evans, Jalen McMillan, Egbuka, and a healthy Chris Godwin back, you could argue this is the best WR corps in the entire league. But why would I want to argue that? It’s the fucking Bucs.
HEAR IT FROM BUCS FANS!
Phil:
We were THIS close to having the highlight of our year be a duck running on the field.
Dave:
They still have the worst winning percentage of all time, but this season they could catch the CARDINALS.
Anton:
I feel like Baker is as capable of having an MVP All-Pro year throwing 40 TDs as he is getting benched by Halloween.
Jerry:
Someone put me out of my misery and whack me over the head with a loaf of Cuban bread from La Segunda that has been left out for a week.
Logan:
Tropicana Field had more shaded seats on October 10, 2024, than Raymond James ever has.
Josh:
I’ve lived on the central California coast my entire life. I had the choice of all four California football teams when I was a 90s kid getting into the NFL. Instead I chose the Bucs because they had just switched into their new pewter uniforms, the stadium had a pirate ship, and they played mean defense with the Tampa 2. I’ve never been to Florida and I don’t want to associate with Florida, but I’ve been stuck with this dumb team for more than 25 years. Now when people ask who my team is and I tell them the Bucs, they want some explanation as to why. All I can do is shrug and mumble something about Ronde Barber and Tony Dungy.
We can only win a championship by poaching the former coach of the team we play in the Super Bowl, or skating by on the last good year of the best QB of all time. We make the playoffs because all the teams in the NFC South are a joke. The Glazers are some of the worst owners in sports. Our QB sells insurance better than he throws the ball. When Mike Evans retires, our offense will go straight in the toilet. Our coach always looks like he is contemplating the smell of his own fart. Creamsicles only look good because the shit brown pewter has aged so bad. Fuck Florida and stab me in the eye with Bucco Bruce’s dagger.
Dio:
There’s not a lot of community to this team, nor passion, nor soul. Just the unrelenting, tacky spectacle of sharing a fanbase with some of the worst people in the country.
Alex:
Last fall, my girlfriend’s friend asked me who my favorite team was. She misheard me and asked if the team’s name was the Succaneers? I’ve used this name more than the Buccaneers last season and probably will until I die.
Joe:
They have never had a uniform anyone has liked. They treat winning the NFC South with more excitement and pride then the Chiefs or Patriots do when they win the Super Bowl. We don’t have a stadium anyone takes seriously. That pirate ship? The best way to describe that is as follows: Imagine you’re at a theme park and you think, “Hey the line for that ride is short; let’s try it!” Then you get on the ride and instantly realize why the line was so short. And as soon as Trump was elected, they couldn’t wait to put Gruden in their team HOF. Gruden? Fuck this team.
Jerry:
I went to my first NFL game in over a decade last year. What game did I decide to go to? The Wild Card game against the Commanders.
Carey:
Every week when you post a new Jamboroo, I immediately scroll down to the Bucs in the hopes that you’ve taken a giant shit on them, and 99% of the time, they’re either one of those games in italics you add no commentary to, or one where you use their game to go off on one of your tangents about why mayo should be a schedule 1 controlled substance.
And it’s not like they don’t tee it up for you. Todd Bowles has all the personality of dried-out kitchen sponge, we’re hanging our hopes on a QB who’s “fantasy football bye week waiver-wire add” personified, our fanbase is made up of meth-mouthed, Hulk Hogan-complexioned, loofa-enthusiast, bandwagon-hoppers. And you can’t even go to their games until December for risk of literally burning alive like a vampire being exposed to the sun. Every time Nike or whoever comes out with some cool new NFL branded merch, there’s never any Bucs gear because why make Bucs gear that no one will buy?
Fuck Jamies Winston with a half-frozen Publix crab leg.
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