Some people are fans of the San Francisco 49ers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the San Francisco 49ers. This 2025 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.
Your team: San Francisco 49ers.
Had to do it.
Your 2024 record: 6-11. DFL in the NFC West. You got two ways of looking at this. You can view last year’s 49ers as repeat of 2020, when the team lost a shitload of players to injury but then rounded back into (NFC) championship form quickly thereafter. That six-win Niners club was a mere blip on the radar, one might argue. An anomaly. Thus, they might reason, the 2024 edition was a similar fluke.
That’s not the interpretation we’ll be using for this preview. We’ll be using the alternative viewpoint, which is that you guys fucked yourselves with a serrated pickaxe.
Because injuries are never just bad luck when Kyle Shanahan is your head coach, and the numbers bear it out. Bryan Knowles of FTN reported that since Shanahan took over in San Francisco, no team has averaged more Adjusted Games Lost than this one. This man rides his players harder than a jockey on cocaine. So perhaps that explains why LT Trent Williams was lost for the back half of 2024. Or why WR Brandon Aiyuk tore up his knee shortly after signing a new deal. Or why—again, via Knowles—San Francisco’s offensive core was only together for 57 total snaps all season long last season. Shit, for all I know Shanny was the guy who shot WR Ricky Pearsall before last season even started. All of the pieces fit.
When you think about the 49ers that way, suddenly they don’t seem like victims of circumstance, but of their own unending hubris. Sam Darnold launching a 97-yard touchdown pass to Justin Jefferson in a asswhipping to Minnesota? That’s on you. A blown 21–7 halftime lead to the hated Rams? You did that, too. Your QB tossing three picks in Kansas City territory to blow a game to the Chiefs? Motherfucker, did a magic sprite guide those balls into defenders’ hands? That was earned suffering, the kind I wish upon Gavin Newsom on a near daily basis.
And all of those losses came in the front end of last season, when you could credibly argue that the Niners were still good. They would put that idea to bed by losing seven of their final eight to end the year. An AARP-eligible Geno Smith scampered for the winning touchdown against their horrific run defense. Then Josh Jacobs trucked them for 106 yards and three TDs the following week. Then Buffalo crushed them in the snow. Then the Lions beat them in a shootout despite having nothing to play for. And then, as a final insult, Kyler Murray threw for four TDs on them in the finale. These Niners only beat two winning teams all season long. They couldn’t even beat LA in a battle of field goals. This team was bad. Don’t try to DVOA your way out of it, Niners fans. You probably think that DVOA is a brand of soap anyway.
Your coach: Kyle Shanahan, whose fondest wish is to blow a third Super Bowl in overtime before he dies. Here to aid him in that task are new OC Klay Kacob Kingleheimer Kchmitt Kubiak, one-man South Beach white party Chris Foerster, and returning defensive coordinator Robert Saleh. Kyle could lose 11 games a year for the rest of the decade and his grip on this franchise would remain total. It’s like if Stephen Jones could design an effective play-action scheme.
Your quarterback: Itsy bitsy teeny weeny sentient propeller beanie Brock Purdy, who just got a fat contract extension that he most assuredly tithed to the Church Of No Gays. Our little guy is no longer the tastiest bargain in the NFL, which means that you and I don’t have to treat him like some college kid who just made a half-court shot to win a scholarship. Purdy costs real money now, which means he better deliver RESULTS or else he’ll be re-denied entrance to every roller coaster on the Western Seaboard.
Purdy also gets hurt a lot, can’t throw a wet football, and is the last guy you want behind center if your team happens to be trailing. And even when he’s good, he’s not THAT good. Purdy threw for an anemic 20 TDs all last season, a number that his former backup Sam Darnold nearly doubled in one season on the job with Minnesota. Darnold could be your QB right now, Niners fans. And for cheaper than this Ford Festiva of a quarterback.
And who’s that I see warming up behind Purdy at camp? Why, that’s legendary draft-night smokescreen Mac Jones, whose greatest achievement was winning a football game where he passed the ball three times. Merge Purdy and Jones into a single passer, and you get Andy Dalton. What a coup. This is not the QB room you want on hand when you look at the rest of San Francisco’s roster, because…
What’s new that sucks: … [Jim McKay voice] They’re gone. They’re all gone. This past offseason saw an exodus of talent that has even our federal workforce gasping. Gone are WR/RB/HB/KR/PR/LS Deebo Samuel, CB Charvarius Ward, LB Leonard Floyd, LB Dre Greenlaw, CB Isaac Yiadom, G Aaron Banks, WR Chris Conley, T Jaylon Moore, S Talanoa Hufanga, and RBs Elijah Mitchell and Jordan Mason. I’d list more names, but the internet only has so much space.
The loss of Mason, a wildly productive back whom GM John Lynch traded to Minnesota for pennies on the dollar, is particularly baffling when you consider the plight of star RB Christian McCaffrey. McCaffrey suffered a torn PCL that cut his 2024 season short. Then, just this offseason, he was dogged by a nasty case of tendinitis in his Achilles (uh oh) that he’d first noticed a year ago (UH OH). As a result, our man flew to Germany for experimental treatment on that ankle. Now the team is limiting his reps in camp. Shanahan will give CMC 50 carries in Week 1, which should be enough to Tyrese Haliburton the poor bastard for good. Dre Greenlaw knows of what I speak.
The rest of this core is similarly fragile. Aiyuk is on PUP to start camp, as was Pearsall not but a week ago. Fellow wideout Jauan Jennings, who’s already asked for a trade out of here, is nursing a calf injury. Williams is now 37 years old, and newly extended TE George Kittle isn’t getting younger, either. As for outside help, Lynch only brought in WR Demarcus Robinson this offseason to help patch up the hull. He didn’t even select an offensive player in the draft until the fourth round. Good thing Brock Purdy knows how to run for 1,000 yards in a single season.
Over on the other side of the ball, San Francisco imported help in the form of DE Bryce Huff, plus secondary depth in the form of S Richie Grant and Jason Pinnock, plus CB Eli Apple, whose mother is still probably getting spicy in someone else’s mentions right now.
But the real fortifications came via the draft, when they took DE Mykel Williams and DT Alfred Collins in the first two rounds. Williams told the press that he played all of his final UGA season on a bum ankle. Next time CMC flies to Germany to have horseshoe crab blood injected into his leg, he’ll have a travel buddy.
Despite all of that, both pundits and nerdy math nerds believe this team will revert back to excellence in 2025. This is because you guys have both South divisions on your schedule. It’s not because people actually think you’re, like, good. You’re not. The O-line is only good if Williams stays healthy. The backfield is only good if CMC stays healthy. The wideouts are only effective if Aiyuk and Jennings stay healthy, and if Pearsall finally learns to dodge oncoming bullets. The defense is only good if LB Fred Warner stays 28 years old forever. I have a plan to seduce Rebecca Ferguson that involves fewer contingency provisions.
Somehow Nick Bosa swung the 2024 election in Trump’s favor. New minority owner Vinod Khosla wants you kids to stay off of his beach (it’s not his beach). Jed York has gone cheap and deserves chronic acne of the rectum.
What has always sucked: Aren’t you sick to death of all of these people? Haven’t you had enough of Kyle Shanahan, who gets treated like the greatest offensive mind to ever live right before he blows another 10-point lead? Can you stomach one more goddamn sentence that contains “Brock Purdy” and “Mr. Irrelevant” in it? And aren’t you tired of this organization being treated like the standard-bearer for the NFL when it has exactly as many titles this century as the fucking Browns do? You guys used to have Joe Montana, Jerry Rice, and Steve Young. Now you have a rock shrimp QB whose every start should be presented in Slimetime format. Some fucking juggernaut you are.
Speaking of paper tigers, what about the area that this team plies its trade in? Eighteen years ago, these people gave us the iPhone. Since then, they’ve accomplished exactly as much as the Niners have. Thanks to these fuckers, we now have fake money, ride-share services that match you with the nearest available sex offender, legless metaverses, search engines that can’t find anything, and artificial intelligence bots that don’t know how to fucking spell. No wonder Kyle Shanahan gets tagged as an innovator anytime he calls a bootleg.
Oh, and when Valley titans wanted a Trojan Horse to infiltrate the White House on their behalf, they picked JD Vance. I wouldn’t hire JD Vance to deliver me a fucking pizza. I can find more brainpower over in Oklahoma, and that place doesn’t even have schools.
What might not suck: OK, I love Fred Warner. Someone please coat both of his ankles in vibranium netting.
HEAR IT FROM 49ERS FANS!
Rob:
Every time I close my eyes I hear the sound of a window closing.
Gordon:
This team disappeared up its own asshole faster than the house in Poltergeist.
Tim:
Can’t wait to see this team implode due to self-created inefficiencies, like it’s a fucking AI startup.
Ben:
Bill Walsh utterly fucked over the co-author of his book on how to run an NFL team, which is regarded as the blueprint for successful franchises in the NFL. His co-author never got a penny. Fuck Walsh with a jar of vaseline from the Mitchell Brothers theater.
Colin:
The bubble has burst, motherfuckers! Sell what you can and pray to God the Feds don’t find your beach house in Antigua.
Patrick:
The bill is finally coming due for years of generational talent falling into their laps, and the response has been to pay Kirk Cousins 2.0 like he’s Kirk Cousins 1.0.
Katie:
Our rookie got shot and then came back and played, arguably, with more heart than half the team.
Every once in a while, some sicko in like, Dallas, gathers a bunch of voodoo dolls of the entirety of the San Francisco roster, tosses them in a food processor, and slaps that BLEND button as hard as possible. And then we get a year like last year. People have been saying Christian McCaffrey’s legs are better but, man, does Achilles tendinitis even GET better?
Our stadium is still stupid, our coach still wears those fuck ass hats, and it’s getting embarrassing how long it’s been since we’ve actually won a Super Bowl.
Travis:
I have seen almost five quarters of Super Bowl football where our defense has handed Patrick Mahomes his ass, only to watch our head coach go more conservative than a Mississippi Klan rally and lose the game.
Watching the Eagles rip the Chiefs limb from limb gave me an erection so large, I could have gouged my eye out.
George Kittle is our best offensive lineman not named Trent Williams.
We’re going to lose at minimum three games to teams we have absolutely no right losing to and gift-wrap the division to the Rams.
Patrick:
This team drives me insane. For the past 22 years, they have either made it to the NFC Championship game/Super Bowl or completely missed the playoffs. It’s a wild emotional rollercoaster that has left me a sad, broken fan without the capacity for hope or optimism. Will I continue to shell out dollars for season tickets? Of course I will, but I hate myself for it.
Pascal:
The O-line is still Trent and a few turnstiles dressed up in football gear, which means Purdy will be on the receiving end of more sacks than Bonnie Blue. Jake Moody will hit a 70-yard field goal in a hailstorm but miss a game-winning chip shot from 20 yards out late in the fourth quarter.
Marcus:
Nick Bosa is the epitome of MAGA: He wears his support on his sleeve, but then cowers behind “not wanting to talk politics” whenever he’s asked about it.
Jeremy:
We decided to let most of the starting defense walk so we can sign a system quarterback to a contract extension that he is absolutely not going to live up to. Our best EDGE is a MAGA chud who will use sideline time to call ICE on people in the stands for looking a little too immigrant. Opie’s only targets are a one-legged Brandon Aiyuk and George Kittle, who is probably younger than Chuck Schumer. Jed York is more willing to spend money buying the Santa Clara city council than he is on keeping our star receivers happy. I hate this team and its spoiled fans, but more than that I hate myself because I am one of them. While I’m writing this, I am debating buying a Ricky Pearsall jersey before the tariffs kick in. Fuck Vernon Davis.
David:
I saw this before the season and knew they were toast. He achieved new levels of unironic Kendall Roy cosplay.
Rokit:
In 1995 you might have seen the TV series “Space: Above and Beyond,” about a squad of US Marines fighting a space war against “Chig” extraterrestrials in the year 2064. It only lasted one season and ended on a major cliffhanger that will never be resolved. One of the Marine characters was a big fan of the San Francisco 49ers, and he was always shit upon by his fellow Marines because the Niners had not won the Super Bowl in 70 years.
Since the day the show originally aired, the “Space: Above and Beyond” curse has been 100% accurate against the 49ers in exactly the same way the Cubs were cursed for a century because of a goat, the Red Sox cursed when they traded away Babe Ruth, and why no Frenchman has won the Tour de France in the last 40 years.
Chris:
The 49ers point differential by quarter last year:
1st: +37
2nd: +10
3rd: -17
4th: -77
This is the Kyle Shanahan Effect.
Shanahan also chose to kick FGs from the 10, 2, and 7 yard lines in a 24-23 loss to Arizona.
Andy:
We haven’t won a Super Bowl since I was in college, so my second wife has no idea what I look like happy.
Noe:
These clowns lose the most important game of the year every other year.
Kyle:
Fuck Jed’s bald spot, Kyle’s flat brim, John’s checkered blazer, and every moron who brings up the cost of Super Bowl tickets like it’s some sort of investment vehicle. No Chad from Merced, you’re not taking out a loan on tickets to fucking flip a profit like the Wolf of Wall Street. You got a soul patch, a shitty arm sleeve of tattoos and carne asada stains on your fucking Nick Bosa jersey. Whatever hat Kyle wears opening night will be permanently attached to your head by Halloween. Get back in your lifted truck you can’t afford and get the fuck back to the Valley.
But seriously, with the cake walk schedule, we got to win 14 games, right?
Greg:
Aiyuk still hates the organization after getting paid. His Instagram has enough hate to make Trump’s cup filleth over. If one more sports analyst embraces debate about “Is Brock elite” I’ll kill myself.
Christian:
Fuck you for editing my submission last year out of context to make me look like a whiny Niner fan (guess what, dicks, I’m retired in Wine Country now and don’t give a shit – hope your Mondays are fun).
The Struts use backing tapes.
Nicholas:
They’re now out of resources to provide the usual quick fixes for their past misses.
The biggest stat dorks in this fanbase cannot wait to eat Brock Purdy alive.
Trey Lance believers still exist by the way. “He never got a legit shot!” Maybe because he’s not good at football? I hate it here.
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