Some people are fans of the New Orleans Saints. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New Orleans Saints. This 2025 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.
Your team: New Orleans Saints.
That’s not what you call there.
Your 2024 record: 5-12. You may not remember this team’s historic 2-0 start, and yet somehow I do. No one expected anything of the 2024 Saints, so when they came out of the gate and beat Carolina and Dallas by an aggregate score of 91-29, everyone was like Holy shit, did we have this team all wrong? Should they actually be Super Bowl favorites? Is Klint Kubiak secretly an offensive mastermind?
Well reader, the answers there were no, no, and fuck no.
New Orleans would lose seven straight games after that. Saquon Barkley ran for two TDs in the fourth quarter against them, including a 65-yarder to win the game with 61 seconds left on the clock. Atlanta beat them when Younghoe Koo drilled a 58-yarder at the gun, a kick only made possible with Saints CB Paulson Adebo getting flagged for PI 30 yards downfield with 29 seconds left on the clock. The Saints then lost QB Derek Carr in a loss to the Chiefs, forcing them to rely on the dual nonthreat of Spencer Rattler and Jake Haener for the majority of their remaining games. Then Tampa hung 51 on them. Then Sean Payton came back to town with the Broncos to beat them senseless. Then Carolina munchkin QB Bryce Young beat them in the final two minutes to kick off a “Hey maybe Bryce isn’t THAT shitty!” tour that would continue for the rest of the Panthers season.
Head coach Dennis Allen was fired the next day, replaced by Darren Rizzi, who looks like an Angola prison guard and acts like one when his punter is close by. Rizzi would bravely lead New Orleans to two straight wins, after which everything reverted back to Aint’sism. I gotta give Rizzi props for going for two at the end of the game against the Commanders, but I do NOT have to give him props for the destined-to-fail rollout pass he called to seal the deal. No sane person allows Spencer Rattler to actually throw the ball, you shit for brains.
Checkout time ensued: a 34-0 blanking at the hands of Green Bay, a loss to Vegas in which Ameer Abdullah ran for over a buck, and a Week 18 door slam in Tampa. To give you an idea of how feeble the Saints were by this point, Bucs coach Todd Bowles—perhaps the most risk-averse man in the universe—let his offense keep passing the ball in the final seconds to get WR Mike Evans his 11th straight 1,000-yard season. Evans got his record, the Bucs partied right there on the field, and all was right with the world. As for the Saints, they packed up their things and got back to doing what their organization now does best: making sure that any abused altar boy’s cry for help goes unanswered.
Speaking of victims, let’s tally up the injury count for this team in 2024. You already know about Carr fucking up an oblique and then breaking his hand—I once suffered these exact same injuries while pleasuring myself—but there are so many more victims where that came from. Here’s your unofficial body count:
- QB Taysom Hill (torn ACL)
- WR Chris Olave (multiple concussions)
- C Erik McCoy (torn hammy)
- G Ryan Ramczyk (knee surgery, retirement)
- Paulson Adebo (broken femur)
- WR Rashid Shaheed (torn meniscus)
- WR Bub Means (high ankle sprain)
- G Cesar Ruiz (knee thing)
- G Lucas Patrick (also a knee thing)
- CB Marshon Lattimore (traded to Washington midseason; nearly died from elation)
- DT Pierre DeRogombeaux (dislocated andouille)
You get the gist. This was a cap-strapped organization that couldn’t afford to lose one player, let alone 40 of them. Anyone who bought into that 2-0 start is dumber than an LSU grad.
Oh, and Zack Baun went to Philly before the season and instantly became an All-Pro.
Your coach: Former Eagles offensive coordinator Kellen Moore, who looks like someone at the family reunion I can’t wait to get away from. There are unconfirmed reports that Moore might have taken this job specifically so that he could work with Derek Carr as his quarterback. That’s hilarious on a number of levels. Carr is old, frequently injured, turnover-prone, and has never won a single game of even modest import. And now Carr’s not even on the roster because he decided to retire this offseason. He even gave back some of his bonus money (idiot), because he couldn’t stomach the idea of playing for this tin shanty of a franchise.
So now Moore will have to get mileage out of the worst roster in the league, without any proven quarterbacking to aid him in the effort. Is he the kind of QB whisperer who can, through force of sheer will, take an otherwise shit team to the playoffs? Well, let’s consider how Moore got here in the first place. He was OC in Dallas a few years ago and got a lot of good press for his work there, mostly because no one believes that Mike McCarthy—who turned down the Saints job before Moore took it—could’ve been the person who made the Cowboys’ offense work. Then Moore spent one season as Chargers OC before getting shitcanned. Then he spent one season in Philadelphia, where he won a title presiding over an offense that made Paul Johnson’s Georgia Tech offenses look like a fucking air show. I’m not getting a lot of Sean McVay vibes from this hire.
Oh, and look who Moore landed as his new DC:
That’s his former L.A. boss Brandon Staley who, judging from this headshot, aged 30 years after the Chargers showed him the door. You couldn’t pick a better pair of gentlemen to guide you to another five-win season. Who hired these assholes? Oh right…
Oui mon frères, Mickey Loomis is still your GM, and as long as he remains on the Saints’ payroll, your team will suck shit through a paper straw. And you thought Huey Long was a pain in the ass to get rid of. If Loomis knows that the NFL has a salary cap, he’s hidden that fact quite well.
Your quarterback: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh… Spencer Rattler again? Haener? Something named Hunter Dekkers? No, the most likely candidate is 26-year-old rookie Tyler Shough. Shough was ranked 90th on the consensus draft board. The Saints grabbed him at 40. They could have grabbed Jaxson Dart in the first, or maybe taken a flyer on Deion’s kid. Instead, they overdrafted a poor man’s Chris Weinke. If you enjoyed watching Rattler throw passes that topped out at 5 mph a year ago, get ready for a full season of that shit from his would-be successor. This team’s 2009 championship deserves to be vacated.
What’s new that sucks: Brandin Cooks! He’s back! What a glorious homecoming for the wideout that no team can stand employing for more than 18 months. Cooks will be here to rack up 300 yards receiving and then grouse about how he’s not being used properly.
That may be the only news item you read about when it comes to the 2025 Saints, because their spice cabinet is now barren. True, Loomis void years-ed his way into grabbing a handful of cursory free agents (S Justin Reid, DT Davon Godchaux, S Julian Blackmon, CB Isaac Yiadom, DT Jonathan Bullard, RB Cam Akers, WR Velus Jones). But none of those signings will offset the loss of Carr. Or Lattimore. Or Paulson Adebo, or Lucas Patrick, or a freshly retired Tyrann Mathieu. Or former All-Pro guard Ryan Ramczyk, who officially retired this offseason. Shit, I’m not even sure they can do without Marquez Valdes-Scantling, and that guy BLOWS.
Such is life when your cap situation mimics the national debt. This team has nearly $100 million in dead cap going into this season, including Michael Thomas! Do you remember the last time you saw Michael Thomas play football? Do you remember that he was a football player at all? Well, the Saints are still paying him, along with Carr, Matthieu, Ramczyk, Jameis Winston, former RB Jamaal Williams, and Taysom Hill, the last of whom may not be able to play anytime soon. You could tell me that basically anyone who has ever played for the Saints was still on their cap and I’d believe you. If you were like, “Dalton Hilliard and John Fourcade are cap holds until the end of 2026,” I wouldn’t bat an eyelash. The 2025 Saints have zero talent and even less hope. They are the NFL’s foremost living argument for being able to push a button to simulate the season.
What has always sucked: Well, you already know about Loomis. And the cap thing. And the sex abuse. You also know that owner Gayle Benson is more checked out than this offense is at the goal line. Oh, and Alvin Kamara is washed. Come to think of it, Cam Jordan likely is too. I’ve been in hospice centers more cheery than this dump.
I can’t even make fun of Saints fans for this part of the preview, because they don’t give a shit about this team anymore, either. Even wearing a paper bag with AIN’TS on it to games would take too much effort. These Saints don’t deserve your scorn, because scorn requires attention. You’re better off scheduling unnecessary surgery than watching this team. Even the Falcons look like a model franchise by comparison. Someone run me over with a shrimping boat.
Olave is the only bright spot on this roster and his brain is already soup. Arch Manning will never play here. Zion Williamson is a big fat shitbag. Fuck John Kennedy with a novelty hurricane cup.
What might not suck: FTN gives you guys 0.2 percent odds to make the Super Bowl. That’s not 0.0!
HEAR IT FROM SAINTS FANS!
Phillip:
I’d encourage anyone who is excited about a new, young, offensive minded coach to Google our quarterback room.
Paddy:
I guess the plan for this season is to recreate Brandon Weeden in the aggregate?
Devon:
We will never have another Brees. The Falcons still suck.
Ryan:
We lost to the Panthers last year.
Jessica:
Since 2017, Loomis has:
• Drafted exactly one Pro Bowler
• Traded multiple first-round picks to move up for Marcus Davenport, who has never played a full season, when Lamar Jackson was still on the board
• Traded multiple first-round picks to move up for Trevor Penning, who ranked almost dead last in penalties and pressures allowed last season
• Let Trey Hendrickson and Zack Baun walk and become 1st Team All Pros elsewhere
• Compared Dennis (26-53) Allen to Bill Belichick, Tom Landry, and Bill Walsh in a press conference where I know I’m not legally allowed to say he was on cocaine
• Signed Eyeliner Jesus to a deal so dumb and so typical for the Saints that they still owe $50M to his retired gumbo-hating husk for the next two seasons
I’d love to have hope that this team will finally move on and learn something. But if Ms. Gayle treats Mickey like she does confirmed sexual predators in the Catholic Church, he simply can do no wrong.
Paddy (cont’d):
Here’s a fun fact: if you count all our QBs (Tyler Shough, Spencer Rattler, Jake Haener, Hunter Dekkers) and the guys on our coaching staff who played QB at the pro level (Kellen Moore, Doug Nussmeier, Scott Tolzien), their combined career record as NFL starters is 0-14-1.
Philip:
Forget pining for the glory days of Drew Brees, I look back nostalgically on the plucky fun Jameis Winston days.
A Saints season ticketholder of 40 years told me that the Derek Carr shoulder injury was first reported the day after the first payment for season tickets was due, and that his retirement was announced the day after the last payment was due. I’m going to be classy and not make a joke about who’s getting fucked in addition to the ticket holders; 12 years of Catholic school still has its impacts.
Rob:
Okay, but for real, fuck Mike Evans. Mike Evans could catch the second coming of Jesus Christ as He descended from heaven on high, and I would still be saying he’s overrated and that Olave is better.
This spring, I was at a local brewery that has a TV with a Nintendo 64 in one corner of the room, and there were some bros in Hawaiian shirts there playing NFL Blitz. One of the guys was playing as New Orleans, and he smoked his buddy by like 40 points. That might be the most fun I will have watching the Saints this year.
Bill:
What can be said about this team that hasn’t been said about Afghanistan? They’re bombed out and depleted. They’re simultaneously old as fuck and inexperienced. The few talented vets we have will all get traded away to Cincy or Philly next offseason. Our premier running back beats up people in elevators. Our QB battle is Jameis Winston without the personality and the oldest, blandest, whitest rookie QB to ever play in the NFL (I did not research this at all because Louisiana is a deeply red state and we don’t believe in research or books or reading).
The best coach we ever had or will ever have quit the NFL instead of continuing to deal with this clown shoes front office. Cam’s new hair is not a good look. We still hold the record for number of players named Billy Joe. If we’re being honest with ourselves, we all knew Zion would end up like this.
Taylor:
This franchise unnecessarily involving itself in a church child sex abuse scandal is par for the course.
That that one Super Bowl is all we’re ever going to get.
Fuck Bill Vinovich.
Abigail:
At least my girlfriend lives in the Netherlands and when I move there in a few years I can simply forget about this team existing.
Andrew:
We’ll always have Weeks 1-2 of 2024, Derek.
Gunner:
I live in Nashville and work with kids. Recently, some kid from here roasted me about our QB situation. A Titans fan. Making fun of OUR QB room.
He was right, though. We’re fucked, our QBs suck, and we’re more than a decade from being relevant in anything. It sucks.
Joe:
Derek Carr retiring in the offseason will be better than anything that happens during the regular season.
Nick:
Because we finally got rid of Dennis Allen and replaced him with the guy who came in second to Arthur Smith in a Thumb Lookalike contest. Because the Honey Badger took one look at this squad at the beginning of training camp and decided he didn’t want to play football anymore. Because we drafted Van Wilder in the second round. Because getting even close to 2 wins in this shit ass division hinges on the health of guys who are NEVER healthy. Fuck me with Gayle Benson’s steam powered vibrator, it’s the only way I’ll feel anything.
Want to be part of Defector’s NFL previews? It’s simple: just email us here and tell us why your team sucks. Next up: Chicago Bears.