Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday at Defector during the NFL season. Got something you wanna contribute? Email the Roo. You can also read Drew over at SFGATE, and buy Drew’s books while you’re at it.
It’s typical of the Buffalo Bills that they would dominate the public conversation during a Championship Week despite the fact that they won’t be playing in it. The Bills, like a handful of other NFL franchises, are renowned more for what they haven’t accomplished than what they have. In fact, the Bills are defined by their high-profile failures, with their 33-30 loss in Denver last week now added to their anti-résumé. I grew up with the Jim Kelly Bills, who infamously won four straight AFC titles but never a Super Bowl. Decades later, Kelly’s spiritual successor—Josh Allen—has yet to even reach the Super Bowl. Not even this season, when Allen’s contemporary QB rivals in the AFC failed to even reach the playoffs. The fuck? How is that even possible?
Oh right…
For those of you unfamiliar with Bills owner Terry Pegula, ask any Buffalonian about the man. You’ll be treated to 20 minutes of uninterrupted spleen-venting. You’ll learn that Pegula also owns the Buffalo Sabres, which will remind you that the Buffalo Sabres still, in fact, exist. You’ll learn that Pegula once hired a single man, Russ Brandon, to run BOTH the Sabres and the Bills (and he did so poorly). And you’ll learn, of course, that Pegula is a clueless idiot.
But why bother learning all of this from a Bills fan when you can simply watch Pegula make an ass of himself from behind the mic instead? Because that’s precisely what the Bills owner did yesterday, in a press conference so deeply embarrassing that even Pete Hegseth was like OMG CRINGE CITY. Pegula invited the press to Orchard Park two days after he’d fired head coach Sean McDermott while retaining GM Brandon Beane, despite the fact that Beane has failed to maintain a proper roster around Allen. Pegula even promoted Beane in the wake of the Denver loss, mostly because he and Beane watch Bills games together from the owner’s box.
All of that reshuffling is mortifying enough on its own. But Pegula, ever the brave soul, went out of his way yesterday to make all of it worse. Let’s go to the videotape and break down Pegula’s opening remarks, shall we?
“Sean has definitely left the Bills in a better place than when he arrived in 2017.”
This is indisputably true. In between Jim Kelly and Josh Allen, there was a decades-long fallow period in which the Bills employed QBs like EJ Manuel, JP Losman, and Ryan Fitzpatrick to toil in service of head coaches like Dick Jauron, Mike Mularkey, and a checked-out Rex Ryan. The year that McDermott came aboard, they made the playoffs for the first time in nearly two decades. They would go on to make the playoffs seven more times in eight years after that. Not a bad job. Just ask Terry!
“I gave Sean his first head coaching job, and I’m proud of that.”
Why, it’s just like when Branch Rickey let Jackie Robinson into the majors! So why fire McDermott after you made the groundbreaking decision to hire him, sir?
“My decision to bring in a new coach was based on results of our game in Denver.”
Oh you mean a game that you weren’t favored in, and that you almost won despite the fact that your offense turned the ball over five times?
“I want to take you in the locker room after that game. First thing I noticed was our quarterback with his head down, crying. I walked over to Josh. He didn’t even acknowledge I was there.”
No shit, buddy. None of us want to acknowledge that you’re around. And yet, there you are. Awful.
“First thing I said to him, I said, ‘That was a catch.’ We all know what I’m talking about.”
No, we do not. I was as in on the Bills as any casual fan this postseason, but Broncos DB Ja’Quan McMillian definitely picked off Allen in overtime on Sunday. Any Bills fan/owner still clinging to the notion that Brandin Cooks—Brandin Cooks!—made a genuinely important catch is way too far gone off the Genny Light to be thinking clearly. If you want your catch to be ruled a catch, hold onto the fucking ball next time. Oh, and maybe don’t turn the ball over four other times earlier in the game before you screaming REFBALL in a crowded theater. Dez Bryant didn’t die just so that we could re-litigate this.
“He didn’t acknowledge me. He just sat there, sobbing.”
Did you consider the possibility that Josh Allen was sobbing specifically because you were in the room? Oh God, I can’t believe we blew it again because we’re owned by this fucking idiot. WON’T THE GRIM REAPER EVER DO US A SOLID?
“I want to express my confidence in the guys sitting next to me, Brandon Beane, and the job he has done in resurrecting this franchise.”
You just opened your remarks giving McDermott the exact same line of praise. So why’s that guy out on the curb and not your precious little Smithers here?
“I’m not gonna sit here and defend everything we have done as a franchise, but the bottom line is that we have attracted good people here. Brandon has brought in Joe Schoen, who’s now the GM in New York.”
And what a GM Joe Schoen has turned out to be for the Giants! Ask any Giants fan and they’ll be like, “I’d eat a shovelful of diarrhea for that man!”
“I’m aware there’s criticism out there about our franchise. Does anyone know what the numbers five, two, three, two, two, two, six represent?”
Oh! Oh, is that your mistresses’ phone number? I remember Tommy Tutone wrote a whole song about it!
“That’s our seeding in our last seven years in the playoffs.”
WHOA WHAT A TWIST. Here I thought Pegula was about to regale us with a detailed explanation of the Fibonacci Sequence.
“An organization doesn’t carry that kind of record without being a great organization and without having great players. It’s impossible to have that kind of result without having a good roster.”
This is why Josh Allen will never win a Super Bowl. Well, that and the turnovers. Terry Pegula doesn’t make decisions that are in the best interest of his team, but strictly based on his random, old man whims. Wanna know what the Bills would have looked like had Donald Trump successfully purchased them many years ago? Probably not that different from this.
Keep in mind that New York governor Kathy Hochul gifted Pegula almost $1.5 billion of state taxpayer money for a new Bills stadium that opens next year. Josh Allen built that stadium, not Terry Pegula. Terry Pegula did jack shit to earn his new digs. Instead, he used Allen’s superstardom as a way into Hochul’s state budget, and then ditched Sean McDermott—who has a lot of well-documented flaws, but was hardly the only person in that organization with dirty hands—so that he could open Shitty Hallmark Movie Stadium with a fresh-faced new coach over on the sideline. Terry Pegula would like Bills fans to believe that a new era of Bills football will be dawning in 2026. But all you had to do was watch that train wreck of a presser yesterday, and the two medium talents presiding over it, to know that it’ll look just like every other era of Bills football. Fuck this prick.
The Games
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms. And because I’m brave and strong, I pick every playoff game. All picks are guaranteed to win or your money back (you will not get your money back).
Five Throwgasms
Seahawks (-2.5) 31, Rams 22. It was only after I’d picked every game last week that I realized, “Hey wait, I picked all of the road teams.” Oops. Not gonna let that happen again. When the DVOA tells you that the Seahawks are one of the best teams in modern history, you should listen. Also, I never bet real money with any of these picks, because gambling is the quickest way to lose all of your money. So don’t do it.
By the way, if Matthew Stafford gets knocked out of the playoffs on Sunday, it’ll be the last stand for the old geezer QBs. Brady, Brees, and Ben Greydick are already long gone, and Aaron Rodgers sure as shit isn’t winning another Super Bowl again. So if the Rams go down in Seattle, I’m gonna make like your hometown newspaper columnist and declare this a landmark transition season in NFL history. A new age.
And then Patrick Mahomes will win another three rings before the end of the decade.
Four Throwgasms
Broncos (+4.5) 14, Patriots 10. I’m just as underwhelmed by Jarrett Stidham’s presence in this game as you are. Dark karma dictates that the Patriots will use this baby-soft playoff gauntlet to kick off a second dynasty, after which a great black fog will envelop our continent for the next thousand centuries. But the Broncos are playing at home, Sean Payton is a much better tactician than Mike Vrabel, and Drake Maye can’t win the AFC if he turns the ball over multiple times for the third straight playoff game. So there you go. That’s my asinine reasoning for this pick. Congrats to Drake Maye and exactly no one else in Pats Nation. Now, let’s address a few other matters.
-Michele Tafoya announced that she’s running for Senate this week, and did so in the most Michele Tafoya way imaginable:
For years, I walked the sidelines when the stakes were the highest, and that job taught me how leadership really works. I’m running for U.S. Senate to bring that experience to Washington and deliver the real results Minnesota deserves.
Michele Tafoya was an awful sideline reporter, by the way. All I need from my sideline reporter is quick injury updates, plus a handful of canned player/coach anecdotes that don’t bleed over into the gameplay. Michele Tafoya couldn’t handle either of those duties capably. And what a time to launch a Republican Senatorial campaign in Minnesota, which is currently under moron occupation. Even Amy Klobuchar can’t believe the tone-deafness of this lady. I hope Melissa Stark moves to Minnesota and runs against Tafoya on a platform of FUCK THAT OTHER WOMAN AND FUCK HER NAZI FRIENDS TOO. She’d win by 80 points.
-Kevin Stefanski just got the Falcons head coaching gig because no one wanted to blame his ass for anything that happened in Cleveland. He didn’t ask for Deshaun Watson! Baker Mayfield was a spoiled brat when he was with the Browns! His owner was a dummy! This can’t be the fault of a guy who won Coach of the Year twice! Come on, now. No one in the Browns organization gets to credibly say they’re a victim of circumstance. Self-sabotage is a group effort in Cleveland, and long has been. Stefanski presided over the Browns for six years. They never won their division, and finished with a positive net point differential just one time. Everyone else in charge of the Browns ALSO needs to be fired, but I have zero faith that Stefanski is some secret Belichick in waiting. It’s the Falcons, man. You know how they roll.
But hey, at least Baker is mad now.
Scott Hanson now has his talking points for when these two show up on Red Zone for three electrifying minutes next season.
Last week: 0-4. That’s right.
Overall: 3-7
Pregame Song That Makes Me Wanna Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
“Long Live Love,” by Sugar. For my fellow olds who didn’t hear the news yet, Bob Mould has reformed Sugar for a full worldwide tour this summer. The band even released two new songs, including the three-minute buzzsaw embedded above. That sounds like Sugar, all right: loud ass guitars, with Mould’s singing voice mixed way down so that it sounds like another layer of distortion. I got into this band just as they had broken up, and I never thought I’d reform to make new music, let alone play live. College Drew is more excited than he’s ever been. I have no intel that a full album is also coming. But I DO know how money works, so I’m pretty optimistic.
Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we’ll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year’s end or sooner. And now, your current 2025 chopping block:
Brian Callahan—FIRED!
Brian Daboll—FIRED!
Jonathan Gannon—FIRED!
Pete Carroll—FIRED!
Kevin Stefanski—FIRED!
Raheem Morris—FIRED!
John Harbaugh—FIRED!
Sean McDermott—FIRED!
Mike Tomlin—QUIT!
Aaron Glenn
Dan Quinn
Since Grant Udinski was the QB coach in Minnesota before he took over as the Jags OC in 2025, I know that the savant label that’s been affixed to him has some legitimacy to it. If a 30-year-old white dude gets an HC offer and Brian Flores doesn’t, it’s predictably outrageous but still outrageous all the same. And saying MEW MEW FLORES WAS SO MEAN TO TUA is just a cheap cover. Oh, you’re telling me that a coach is MEAN? To a shitty player? Tres scandal! I ain’t having any of that shit. The coach who was nice to Tua just got canned by Miami because he sucked far worse than Flores ever did.
By the way, given that Flores signed a DC contract with the Vikings last night, he almost certainly knows that he’s now out of the running for the big jobs in Pittsburgh and Baltimore. So congrats to the Steelers on hiring Mike McCarthy. Finally, a fresh young voice that organization has always needed comes to town.
Jim Harbaugh’s Lifehack Of The Week!
“I don’t believe in telling jokes. We only have one life to live and I’m not going to spend mine saying ‘knock knock’ and all of that other silly nonsense.”
(door flies open)
“What’s up, guys? I know analysts say that I use too much pre-snap motion, but look: I’m just trying to keep our players from getting bored out there (gently snickers).”
“You’re no longer allowed to speak to the press.”
“Hey Jim, I can see your underbite.”
“BACK IN THE TAPEROOM WITH YOU, JOKEBOY.”
Great Moments In Poop History
Reader Oscar sends in this story I call SURF SHITTY:
Several years ago I was on vacation to Dominican Republic and consuming my weight in pork, plantains and Presidente. I’m a pretty athletic guy so I thought I’d take up kite surfing since the beach where we were staying is a world renowned spot. I’d never done it before and even though I’ve done well in various sports I was really having trouble getting up on that board. If you’ve ever kite surfed from the water you have to somehow keep the parachute up and out of the choppy water while not sinking and keep your board at a certain angle to get up and going. I got out there with the local instructor and after a few failed attempts the Bubble Guts started warming up.
I shrugged it off and was determined to kitesurf.
The outcome was inevitable, but I was so far away from shore, not to mention buckled to a kitesurf board and holding a parachute. There was no way I was going to make it back to land and find a bathroom. I told the instructor to hold my parachute and unbuckled my board. Waves kept hitting me in the face, so he couldn’t see how much I was sweating. He was pretty confused. I told him what was about to happen, and we quickly paddled away from each other.
I then battled multiple waves while evacuating my bowels, figuratively and literally, while trying to doggy paddle forward as to not get the poop all over my back. I probably looked like a lost Golden retriever swimming in circles. I then sheepishly grabbed the board and parachute and swam to shore. I booked it to the nearest hotel I can find and went into the lobby bathroom to check the damage, under my bathing suit I was wearing a football girdle for chafing and poop had gotten into the hip, tailbone, and thigh pad slots, so it went to the garbage. I rinsed my bathing suit in the sink, washed my hands, and proceeded to not change my diet at all for the next couple days.
Oh I bet every veteran surfer has multiple stories like this. Laird Hamilton alone has probably befouled the Pacific hundreds of times. Where the fuck else you gonna go if you’re all the way out there?
Brick Johnson’s Executive Proposal Of The Week
“Seriously, Dad? Green Day to open the Super Bowl? A bunch of woke nursing home punks? Fuck that, Woody. Check out this mixtape from my friend, DJ $pittoon.
“Yo.”
“You hearing this beat, Dad? It’s fucking crazy!”
“I stole it from an old KLF album. Girls fuck to it.”
“You hear that? What girl fucks to Green Day, old man? Probably a fat one!”
Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week
Incognito Game Day Light! Have you ever come across a more dauntingly named beer? I haven’t! Reader Aaron gives us his review:
Stumbled across this opposite of a gem at a Bay Area Grocery Outlet, which is where real grocery stores send the stuff no one wants. $8.99 for a four-pack of tall boys. I made it through half of one, which tasted like a decent lager that had been drank, regurgitated, and recanned. The other three will sit in the garage fridge until I can find a willing sucker.
I think you should track down Richie Incognito to be said sucker. Just tell him, “Hey Richie, they named a beer after you!” and he’ll shotgun all three tallboys in between conducting ICE raids with his fellow deadbeats.
Gameday Movie Of The Week For Raiders Fans
The Brutalist, which requires you to sit there for three-plus hours before finally telling you what its plot is really about. This is how you end up making a film that gets instant critical acclaim and then disappears from the public consciousness three seconds after the Oscar telecast has ended. If you wanna watch Adrien Brody give a Best Actor-winning performance in a Holocaust-themed movie, go with The Pianist. That movie was a masterpiece. This one, less so. Guy Pearce is incredible here, though. Two stars.
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
“Ever since I called for the rescue of that Simpson lad, I have taken a lot of heat… SO I AM FLIP-FLOPPING. I say, let him stay down they-ah!”
Enjoy the games, everyone.