Martha Stewart is the undisputed queen of domestic perfection. Whether she’s teaching us how to fold a fitted sheet or construct a gingerbread mansion, her advice is usually gospel. But recently, the lifestyle icon shared her personal method for eating a bagel, and let’s just say the internet is absolutely baffled.
It all started when Stewart took to Instagram to showcase her favorite way to enjoy a poppy seed treat from PopUp Bagels. Instead of the classic slice-and-schmear approach that has sustained New Yorkers for generations, Martha revealed a technique so precise it feels less like breakfast and more like a surgical procedure.
According to her post, she doesn’t just bite into the bagel. Oh no, that would be too simple. First, she slices the bagel in half. Then, she cuts that half in half. But wait, she’s not done. Martha then proceeds to break that quarter into what she calls “sweet little pieces.” Finally, she tops each tiny fragment with a “modicum” of cream cheese—specifically avoiding the word “schmear”—and eats them one by one. She credits this unique strategy to her daughter, Alexis, claiming it leaves her “always satisfied, never too full.”
Naturally, the internet had opinions. The comment section on her post immediately lit up with followers who were equal parts horrified and fascinated. One user didn’t mince words, calling the method “unhinged,” while another declared it a “violation of the bagel code of ethics.” A particularly distressed fan commented, “Queen Martha, this is a violation… Just eat the bagel, girl.”
The reactions didn’t stop there. People compared her tidiness to “folding a slice of pizza with a ruler,” and one commenter joked that the behavior was “diabolical” enough to send someone “straight to jail.” While some loyal fans tried to defend the method as elegant portion control, the consensus seems to be that tearing a bagel into bird-sized rations completely defeats the purpose of eating a bagel.
Despite the backlash, Martha stands by her ritual. It’s definitely on-brand for someone who has built an empire on exacting standards, but for the rest of us who prefer to inhale a toasted everything bagel with a mountain of cream cheese, this might be one tip we skip. After all, isn’t the mess half the fun?